GOALS

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have weird goals and aspirations. I came to this realization upon accomplishing one of my goals earlier today. I’m a white male, around 5’7”, with brown hair, and brown eyes. Close enough to the Arian to avoid racial discrimination. I have longer hair for a male, about shoulder length, that waves and curls uncontrollably. Instead of setting goals in life like normal people I have set goals for my hair. Normal people will set their goals at things like; becoming an astronaut, learning to speak another ridiculous language, eat as many hotdogs as possible in an hour, bowl a perfect game, eliminate all minorities, lose weight, consume as many phallic foods in front of children and clergy men… the list goes on and on. But I digress. My goals are quite different. One that I have achieved today was being able to comfortably get my hair into my mouth. I’ve wanted long hair for quite some time now and as I set off on this magnificent journey I decided that my mouth would be an appropriate length to be happy with. Today I was able to fit my bangs entirely into my face hole. This is a quite the achievement for me. I feel strongly that people should set high goals for themselves, as it will propel them to greatness, and being able to achieve one of my goals, at such a young age, fills me with the amazing feeling of accomplishment. There is a tingly warming sensation within my tummy. But upon research, done on my personal time, I’ve learned that this could be one of the warning signs of ulcers. But once again I digress. Since now I have achieved my goal I’ve decided it’s time for me to create another goal for myself and not simply settle with my current level of success. My new goal is also for my hair. I’ve decided that I want my hair to get quite longer. My next goal is to grow my hair so that it looks like a lamp shade. It will take a while for my hair to get to that length all the way around. But as I stated before, one should set their goals high, and in no way shape or form am I an exception. So once again I find myself in this position. About to embark on a great journey towards success. Let’s do this my friends. Let’s do this.

Trash the Bottle

Trash the Bottle

Sour milk has been spoiling in the stomachs of the world’s fine people for far too long. Too often is this issue “put on the back burner.” I say this is an issue we must address now. Though most milk, when handled properly, is save to consume, there is still mike out there that is a danger to our lives as we know them.

            There are too many things that must be correct for milk to be good and healthy to drink. First, one must check the expiration date. One of the many dangers of milk is how after a certain amount of time the milk actually will go bad. This is not at the fault of the consumer, but rather the evil milk itself. Second, one must consider the heat at which the milk was exposed to. At room temperature milk will go bad in roughly two hours. Though this fact brought more questions forward. I am simply confused about the measure of room temperature. What temperature is the “room temperature” they speak of? All throughout my eighteen years of life I have experienced many different rooms, at many different “room temperatures.” Though I digress, let me move forward and expose the horrors of milk. Third, one must monitor the milks exposure to light. Light can also magically make milk go bad.

Sound like too much work to have to keep tabs on all these different things? I think so too. But don’t fret. I have the solution to the problem at hand.

            I suggest we stop getting out milk in bottles from some farm in “who knows where” and go straight to the source. I’m suggesting we switch to an entirely breast fed society.

Breast milk is the milk produced by the breasts (or mammary glands) of a human female. The benefits include increased intelligence, decreased likelihood of contracting middle ear infections, cold, and flu bugs, reduction in risk of diabetes, decreased risk of asthma and eczema, decreased dental problems and decreased risk of obesity.

Breastfeeding will also be healthy for the supplying end of the transaction. It assists reducing the size of the uterus as well as assisting the supplier in losing weight.  Breastfeeding also reduces the risk of breast cancer.

I feel that switching to an entirely breast fed society will solve all our problems. One would never have to fret over the condition of their milk, or where their milk may have been prior to entering their possession. One would be able to suck their sustenance directly from the teat with confidence.

Aside from the obvious health benefits, this societal change will also be able to help building relationship and strengthening our society as a whole.

In conclusion, becoming a strictly breast fed society will completely illuminate the dangers of normal milk and strengthen our society.

Stay thirsty my friends.

Modest proposal analysis

Transitioning from a serious and fact driven essay to a sarcastic and absurd proposal in A Modest Proposal, Jonathan Swift employs shocking absurdity, epigrammatic burlesque and vivid diction to create a humorous and unrealistic solution for a serious problem.

            Swift, after addressing the crisis in Ireland, uses shocking absurdity to propose his interesting solution. He would do such things as describe in detail the many uses for children. “I have been assured by a very knowing American acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is at a year old, o most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed , roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasie, or a ragoust.” It is not socially expectable to eat children and suggesting such ideas is absurd. “Infant’s flesh will be in season throughout the year.” He talks about infants flesh will always be in season. This is a ridiculous thing to say as it isn’t acceptable to eat children. “Although I recommend buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.” Swift liked used disturbing statements about cooking the children. The way he made his essay absurd helped to make his proposal humorous.

            Swift also utilizes epigrammatic burlesque in his essay. He is able to describe his humorous subject matter in a very serious and clever way. “I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females.” The way he proposes his ideas and facts makes the reader feel like his is serious, which makes the essay hilarious. “I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him.” Swift would state serious facts and use those facts to support his ridiculous ideas. He also proposes the many uses for children, also in a very serious manner. “Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.”
            Swift also uses vivid diction all throughout his essay. “Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast or any other public entertainment. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity.” As he wrote this essay he carefully chose his words and the words he chose were well thought out and help to both make this humorous but at the same time expose a real problem. “I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.” Swift was able to choose words that made him sound smart and serious. “Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and upward, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any refinement in taste.” By making himself sound smarter it makes the essay feel like it should apply to a high class audience when in reality it is about eating children.
            In A Modest Proposal, Jonathan Swift employs shocking absurdity, epigrammatic burlesque and vivid diction to create a humorous and unrealistic solution for a serious problem. Swift is able to expose true world flaws in his humorous essay. Though this essay seems to be just funny, when looking deeper the reader can find true meaning behind it.

Suburban

Being wrongly accused of letting his dog defecate in a neighbor, Mrs. Friar’s yard, John Ciardi, in “Suburban” uses situational irony, joking sarcasm, and descriptive personification to show that sacrificing innocence and “being the bigger man” is the way to avoid inane confrontation.